The following is a transcript from The New York Friars Club Roast of Padma Lakshmi delivered by Charlie Gaeta during “So You Think You Can Roast?” Video copy of this roast exists but has never been released per request of Lakshmi’s agent. Despite the reaction of the crowd, Gaeta was never contacted again by the New York Friars Club.
(Charlie Gaeta takes the podium)
Thank You Kevin Gillespie.
Celebrity Chef and General in the Union Army
We’ll win this fr Mr Lincoln yet sir!
It’s great to be here. Look at this great panel of judges.
Alan Zwiebel is here. He wrote on the first season of Saturday Night Live!
That was in the 70’s
(shouting) MR ZWIEBELL! IT”S NICE TO MEET YOU.
Awe, he doesn’t know where he is.
So, Padma Lakshmi the Indian Supermodel.
How did they choose that? You were you the only one without mud smeared on your face?
A model with a cooking show?
That’s like a fat girl with an exercise show
Do you really think they need you on Top Chef?
I’m sure they could replace you with a really tall Puerto Rican.
Seriously Padma, The only thing that does less than you on that show are the plates.
But, you have written two cookbooks
one is named “Easy Exotic”
and the other is called “Tangy, Tart, Hot and Sweet”
How many slutty euphemisms do you need?
What’s the third one called? Wet, hot bearded clam?
Your book titles sound like a line-up at a drag show.
Not that you’re a drag queen, some of those boys have real talent.
I think it’s great that you come from a country where millions of people have dysentery and you create a cookbook with recipes to give Americans the same experience.
You got that scar in an auto accident in Malibu when you were 15.
It will always be a reminder of your first road head.
I can’t imagine how hard it’s been for you; A whole life of only getting hit on from the left side.
I know, some people will tell you that scar is sexy, those people are creeps.
Ugh, It’s hideous. I’d make you wear a condom on it.
Are you like Harry Potter?
Is it a magical scar?
Because it’s certainly making all the men in your life disappear.
All your relationships end in divorce, death or lawsuit.
I guess your Indian pussy is just like your Indian cooking. It taste good at first, but you have to deal with a lot of shit afterwards
You were married to Salman Rushdie, Author of the Satanic Verses.
You know they say the devil can talk you into anything.
You didn’t give him anal did you?
No, of course you didn’t, that would have required you to wash your ass and I know you people aren’t big on that.
What you are big on, is old dudes.
In fact, you let in more seniors than a Boca Raton Retirement Community.
I mean c’mon, at this point your best dish must be stewed prunes.
Your last meal ticket; the late Teddy Fortsmann, Whom your cooking surely killed, was old enough to be your father.
And that brings us to an ironic twist in your life.
Your father was a big executive for Phizer. I wonder if your dad would have worked so hard all his life for the makers of Viagra, if he knew that all he was doing was guaranteeing that your future husbands could get it up for you.
Recently, you’ve been with a rich computer douche and an old wealthy guy from Connecticut.
Padma, I know that cows are sacred in your culture, but that doesn’t mean you have to stuff yourself full of pigs.
If sucking some well connected old guy dick is your game, you’ve come to the right place.
What do you think all these people are doing here?
Padma, You’ve lived a privileged life of fame with no discernable talent. Without your sugar daddy connections, you’d be troubleshooting my computer from Mumbai.
Instead you host a third-rate reality show on cable.
You’re like Slumdog Thousandair
But you’re a good girl and you seem like a nice person.
I only wish I was old enough to date you.
Congratulations on your roast.
Thank You NY Friars Club.